You always hear about how pregnant women laugh, cry and scream all at the same tim due to the so called crazy pregnant hormones. I must of been a part of an elite group of pregos that didn't experience the sporatic mood changes other than going from awake to dead tired in .03 seconds. Now, what nobody told me about, or should I say warned me about, was how incredibly insane your hormones go post baby. I was a mess for nearly 8 weeks! I found myself missing my old life, sleeping whenever I wanted, doing whatever I wanted when I wanted to, even cleaning my house seemed like a past luxury never to be recovered again. I would look at my son and feel the love that every mother feels for their child and then break down crying, all. day. long. I would end up with this overwhelming feeling of not being able to do this, by this I mean be a mom. I was convinced I wasn't cut out for this, he deserved to have a real Mommy, not a hormonal self loathing can't control my own thoughts mental case such as myself. Kris would come home from work and I would immediately hand over the baby, it didn't matter if he spent the entire day sleeping and didn't make a sound, I felt "here you go, i'm done with him." We would be sitting at the dinner table eating and I would just break down crying and saying over and over again I can't do this. I couldn't control how I felt and no matter how much I fought it, the anxiety and fear would take over everyday. I was worried that I may have had at least a touch of PPD, fingers crossed that I didn't. I was embarrassed to talk to anybody about it.
Then I opened up to my Mom and told her all about how I was feeling. She laughed at me. That's right, laughed. There's a boost to the first time mom ego. She said over and over again "honey, it's normal." NORMAL? THIS is NORMAL?!" Why didn't anybody ever tell me about this? Here I am thinking I'm crazy, a horrible mom, a monster because I gave birth the most perfect baby in the world and I kept thinking I don't want him. Hormones, stupid, all over the place, trying to readjust, hormones. It took some time, but I swear, I woke up one morning (to a screaming hungry baby boy of joy) and all those feelings, the sadness, fear, emptiness, was gone. I was left with the beautiful miniature version of my husband with baby blue eyes and 3 inch long eyelashes and feelings of nothing but pure happiness and joy. I am Mommy, hear me roar!