In the past couple months I have heard too many stories of parents losing their young children. It breaks my heart to have to think about what they must be going through and trying to understand how they are going to get through this, if it's even possible. Then I talked with a neighbor of mine who I had never really spoken to before. She was telling me about the loss of her teenage son about 15 years ago. She told me how she thought she'd never get through it, that the pain would never go away. Then she said what pulled her through was Faith. She knew he was in a better place, no pain, no worries, he was in good hands. It wasn't easy for her to any extent but she knew that in time it would get easier, it had to.
When I was pregnant, I had an arsenal of worries and fears of what could go wrong with my pregnancy and my baby. Was I doing things right? Eating the right things? Getting enough sleep? Staying active the right amount to keep him in perfect health? I spent 8 months keeping track of everything in my pregnancy to make sure I was doing things the way they were supposed to be done. I was determined to have a safe and healthy baby boy in my arms when it was all over with. Then he was born, and all those worried were gone. In my head I thought "he's here now and he's safe." I stopped worrying about something happening to him and the possibility of something going wrong, until recently. Now I have a gut wrenching fear that something is going to happen regardless of how careful and protective I am of him. I have to have Faith that God is watching over him and keeping him safe, and if (heaven forbid) something happen to my beautiful baby boy, it's because HE has a bigger plan for him. All children of all ages have a lesson to teach us, some may be heartbreaking and some may not be, but I believe they are here to teach us the value of life, unconditional love, about Faith, and so much more.
I will never stop worrying about my son. As soon as a worry passes, it will be replaced by a new one. I tend to get a little paranoid at times (as I would imagine all first time mom's do) just the other night I woke up Kris with "I don't hear anything on the monitor, something's wrong" and then felt like a fool when he mumbles half asleep "Ashley, he's sleeping." Duh! Of course I don't hear anything, he's sleeping like a baby! The fear of something happening is never going to go away and it may cloud my mind at times, but I plan to embrace everyday as if it is the greatest day of my son's life. Faith gives that to me.