Is it supposed to be this hard?

I can't be the only one that feels this way. Others go through this too, right?

Part of me had hoped that the Terrible Twos were just a myth, but it’s been painfully obvious to me that that’s not the case. Alex has them. Bad. And in all mommy honesty here, I am not sure I am going to survive them. Things have been rough, really rough. Unfortunately, lately they bad times have been outweighing the good. The laughter, smiles, warm the heart times are lost in the tantrums, screams, meltdowns, kicking and throwing. There seems to be so much more of the latter than the happy. I keep telling myself that he’s 2, this is normal; this is what they go through when they are trying to figure their feelings out. For example, I know that telling him he has to eat his yogurt at the table and not on the couch isn’t going to ruin his life forever, but I’m not sure he knows that. Weeknights are like walking on egg shells at our house. It doesn’t take much to set him off and I know that the moment he starts those fits we’re in for a long night because it’s usually a couple hours before they wind down. I’ve tried to not take it personally, telling myself that he’s exhausted from the day at the sitter's. He plays all day long with his little friends at Nanny’s house and according to her he's nonstop. She tells me he’s great every day, the screaming I’m talking about apparently only happens when he’s with us. I’m convinced that everyone is lying to me, I’m always hearing about how wonderful he is, well behaved and polite but I rarely get to see that kid. He starts the fits the moment I walk into the sitter’s door. Again, I try not taking it personally, but I hope that you can see, that’s hard to do when my presence seems to upset him so much.

About every other night, bedtime is a fight. I don’t know what makes the nights so different, routines are the same day to day but every other night, bedtime is full of blood curdling without-a-breath screams from Alex that can last, have lasted for hours. Those nights, are the nights that I sit in the living room listening and having a meltdown on my own as tears flow down my cheeks. Why do I cry? I cry because he’s upset, yelling out “mama” as he waits for me to come in and get him but I’ve vowed not to. I cry because I’m angry at myself for not being able to handle this part of motherhood. Angry at myself for feeling like a failure as a mother.

The failure part, yeah, about that. It’s tearing at my soul. I don’t know how to stop myself from getting upset with him when he gets into his toddler-tude. I’m aware that kids this age learn by example in a sense which means I am terrible as his teacher. All he’s learning from me is to yell and cry when things get frustrating or tough. I get so angry with him even though his reactions aren’t his fault, he doesn’t know how to deal with the way he is feeling so the cries are his only way right now. I often feel like I can't do it. I can't provide him with the mama he needs. Is it supposed to be this hard?

My marriage might not survive 2 either. It breaks my heart to say that but there have been a lot of fights here recently, little ones but more of them. I know that things with me have been different since Alex was born. I am far more emotional and short tempered than I use to be. I feel like I am on edge all the time. Kris has admitted to getting angry with me for my reactions towards Alex’s meltdowns. I agree with him, I should be able to handle this better, I am his mother but Kris doesn’t really understand how out of control my reactions seem to be for me. I’ve been trying to get myself straightened out for the last two years, get my emotions under control, handle stress better, and improve myself all around. I’m having a hard time in a lot of aspects of my life and unfortunately, motherhood is at the top of that list. Lately, Kris and I have been bickering a lot because of it. I am trying, really trying, but without his support behind me, it’s hard. I am not the mother I want to be, I am not the mother I am supposed to be. I am not the mama my son deserves.

Is it supposed to be this hard, parenting a toddler that is? It get better right, easier? The little quarrels between Kris and I, it's really just part of the ups and downs of marriage and parenthood right? Normal?

How do I get better? What do you do to make yourself who you want to be?

How do I get the mama I know is deep inside of me to come out to the surface?

Mother's Day - Uno, Dos, Tres

Last weekend was my third Mother's Day!

Take a look at how much Alex has changed since the first one in 2011.

A Snuggly Sloppy Kiss Kind of Mother's Day

This year on Mother’s Day, my son gave me the perfect gift. A tantrum free, meltdown free beautiful day full of snuggly hugs and sloppy kisses.  Alex has been the true definition of “the terrible twos” lately and I’ve even started to question my ability to survive the age all together. But this Mother’s Day he dropped the TT veil and acted like the loving affectionate little boy I know he is.

We started the morning with a breakfast made by my husband, which consisted of what he could find in the house since we haven’t been to the store in about 2 weeks. A couple scrambled eggs and 2 pieces of toast, for both of us ;) Alex however, had his favorite frozen pancakes and some chocolate milk. We played around for most of the morning and eventually ran out to pick up a couple Redbox movies. Alex made it through about 20 minutes of Cars 2, sitting on our laps and nuzzling into our arms, before he was so tired he couldn’t hold his own head up. This however was perfect timing, I was hoping he’d take a nap before we had to go off for our Mother’s Day lunch with my family but wasn’t going to try to force it. The screaming meltdown’s he’s had at bedtimes lately have been horrific and to be honest I was being selfish and just wasn’t ready for that, it was Mother’s Day after all, supposed to be about mama, right?

Any who, Alex took a great nap, a needed nap which got him ready for our big Lunch-Brunch with my family. My mom and dad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew, my pop and grandma and my other grandma all sat down together to celebrate Mother’s Day. Alex ate enough mashed taters to knock himself out and ran around the property (which happens to be the same place he had his Dino Party at) with my dad, his Pop Pop as he calls him. We followed up with a visit to my mom and dad’s house (pop and ya-ya) where Alex played the entire time while wearing a plastic basket liner as a hat, whatever floats your boat kid J

My sister came by a little later, after getting off of work (she works at the banquet facility we had our lunch-brunch at) and we attempted to get a picture together with the little ones that made us both mom’s nearly 9 months apart from each other, our boys. This turned into a great form of entertainment as we both struggled to keep our boys in our arms as they desperately tried to get down to keep playing. My husband set the camera on a continuous shoot setting and the end result was a hilarious series of photos with funny faces, squirmy boys and lots and lots of laughter. While we really didn’t get a great photo of the four of us together, we have a great set of photos to look back at and smile.

All in all, it was a good day. A laid back Mother’s Day which was exactly what I wanted. That night, Alex was still snuggly and sloppy kissy-like with me and went to bed without any fuss at all. I loved the day, all of it J The entire day was meltdown free and full of smiles and laughs. Beautiful day.

Wordless(ish) Wednesday - May 8, 2013

Outside Fun

Learning and Growing

A Children's Museum is a beautiful thing. I am grateful that we have one located in my hometown, 9 out of 10 times the places we take Alex to are outside of the city, an hour drive away or so. Outside of the public library and parks our city doesn't have much to offer in ways of entertaining a toddler. But we are lucky enough to  have aHa!. The first time we took Alex there, he was only 5 months old and not really interested in anything other than the water table. Still was a great time of course and I kept thinking about how much fun it was going to be when he was a little older and we brought him back.

Well life happens and while he obviously got older, we had trouble finding the time to go. But recently we found the time and I am so happy we did. We met my sister there with my nephew so that the boys could play together and do what young cousins do. Logan (my nephew) is fearless and he charged into that building like he owned it, pointing to everything with his 15month old little hand screaming "wast that?" Alex on the other hand was a little reserved. I think he was overwhelmed by everything that was going on, all the colors, sounds, smells and little ones sprinting in every which direction. While it took some time, Alex did warm up to the place and had just about all the fun a 2 year old could have before completely crashing.

The "house" was a hit. He picked up the foam pieces to build the walls of his house, use the hammer to secure the imaginary nails, flip the switch to make he did a good job installing the lights, and even surprised us when he picked up a hard hat and wore it (the kid does NOT like hats).

Every time he turned around something else caught his eye (and his attention). There was just so much fun to be had and for the first time, I noticed how much he was using his imagination. He's growing up so fast, it was so apparent here and there were a few times I got a little teary. Somehow, my little baby boy has become a not so little BIG boy who can do things for himself. He's rapidly approaching the time of his life where he won't need me as much anymore. That's a bittersweet moment for a mama but a proud one too. It seems to me that I just might be doing this parenting gig right after all.

Alex found trucks, and trains, and sand, and the mother of all children's museum things, a water table! He loved it, just as I had predicted he would. After all the laughing, splashing, playing and drenching, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride that I was prepared for this and packed an extra outfit. In the battle between Alex and the water table, the water table won. Big time. aHa! is great, hands down. I'm looking forward to many more trips filled with learning, fun and excitement.

Do you have any places like this in your city/town?