I can't be the only one that feels this way. Others go through this too, right?
Part of me had hoped that the Terrible Twos were just a myth, but it’s been painfully obvious to me that that’s not the case. Alex has them. Bad. And in all mommy honesty here, I am not sure I am going to survive them. Things have been rough, really rough. Unfortunately, lately they bad times have been outweighing the good. The laughter, smiles, warm the heart times are lost in the tantrums, screams, meltdowns, kicking and throwing. There seems to be so much more of the latter than the happy. I keep telling myself that he’s 2, this is normal; this is what they go through when they are trying to figure their feelings out. For example, I know that telling him he has to eat his yogurt at the table and not on the couch isn’t going to ruin his life forever, but I’m not sure he knows that. Weeknights are like walking on egg shells at our house. It doesn’t take much to set him off and I know that the moment he starts those fits we’re in for a long night because it’s usually a couple hours before they wind down. I’ve tried to not take it personally, telling myself that he’s exhausted from the day at the sitter's. He plays all day long with his little friends at Nanny’s house and according to her he's nonstop. She tells me he’s great every day, the screaming I’m talking about apparently only happens when he’s with us. I’m convinced that everyone is lying to me, I’m always hearing about how wonderful he is, well behaved and polite but I rarely get to see that kid. He starts the fits the moment I walk into the sitter’s door. Again, I try not taking it personally, but I hope that you can see, that’s hard to do when my presence seems to upset him so much.
About every other night, bedtime is a fight. I don’t know what makes the nights so different, routines are the same day to day but every other night, bedtime is full of blood curdling without-a-breath screams from Alex that can last, have lasted for hours. Those nights, are the nights that I sit in the living room listening and having a meltdown on my own as tears flow down my cheeks. Why do I cry? I cry because he’s upset, yelling out “mama” as he waits for me to come in and get him but I’ve vowed not to. I cry because I’m angry at myself for not being able to handle this part of motherhood. Angry at myself for feeling like a failure as a mother.
The failure part, yeah, about that. It’s tearing at my soul. I don’t know how to stop myself from getting upset with him when he gets into his toddler-tude. I’m aware that kids this age learn by example in a sense which means I am terrible as his teacher. All he’s learning from me is to yell and cry when things get frustrating or tough. I get so angry with him even though his reactions aren’t his fault, he doesn’t know how to deal with the way he is feeling so the cries are his only way right now. I often feel like I can't do it. I can't provide him with the mama he needs. Is it supposed to be this hard?
My marriage might not survive 2 either. It breaks my heart to say that but there have been a lot of fights here recently, little ones but more of them. I know that things with me have been different since Alex was born. I am far more emotional and short tempered than I use to be. I feel like I am on edge all the time. Kris has admitted to getting angry with me for my reactions towards Alex’s meltdowns. I agree with him, I should be able to handle this better, I am his mother but Kris doesn’t really understand how out of control my reactions seem to be for me. I’ve been trying to get myself straightened out for the last two years, get my emotions under control, handle stress better, and improve myself all around. I’m having a hard time in a lot of aspects of my life and unfortunately, motherhood is at the top of that list. Lately, Kris and I have been bickering a lot because of it. I am trying, really trying, but without his support behind me, it’s hard. I am not the mother I want to be, I am not the mother I am supposed to be. I am not the mama my son deserves.
Is it supposed to be this hard, parenting a toddler that is? It get better right, easier? The little quarrels between Kris and I, it's really just part of the ups and downs of marriage and parenthood right? Normal?
How do I get better? What do you do to make yourself who you want to be?
How do I get the mama I know is deep inside of me to come out to the surface?