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Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Logan's 1st Birthday!

This past weekend, we celebrated my nephew's first birthday. I can hardly believe he's a year old already but fact is he is and we partied :) I became the impromtu "photographer" for the party (good thing I grabbed my camera on our way out the door), keep in mind I am NOT a photographer but I did the best I could.

Logan, much like Alex, started walking really soon so he was all over the place running around and playing like he was one of the big kids. I did my best to capture his excitement. Like most 1st birthday parties, there were lots of presents, lots of family and of course CAKE!

To wrap up this post and let the pictures from this day speak for themselves, enjoy this little photo montage of Logan's 1st Birthday!

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

A (late) Christmas Recap 2012

Considering Christmas was 2 weeks ago and I have yet to post anything about it, I suppose that makes me a bit of a slacker. So I have a little catch-up to play. So here goes, a quick summary of how Christmas 2012 went.

It was great. As usual, we stretched out Christmas celebrations over the course of a few days so that we could spend as much time as possible with our families. This year was Christmas with my husband's side so we celebrated Christmas with my family the Sunday before. It was great, my grandparents came down, and my sister and brother in law where there with my nephew. We had a great fried chicken dinner and lots of presents. The boys (Alex and my 1 year old nephew, Logan) had a great time and were a little overwhelmed with all of their new toys. The house favorite was the Little People Zoo that Alex got, both boys had a blast playing with all the animals and the slide. A close second would be the dino flashlight, Alex took it to bed with him that night. Before heading home that evening, Kris and I put together the play kitchen we had been storing in my parent's garage. We took it home and got it all ready for Christmas morning. I think I may have been more excited to give him this kitchen then he might actually be to play with it.

Christmas Eve we spent with Kris's dad, step-mom and their family. Alex of course hit the jackpot. Again. This time he landed his very own rollercoaster. That's right. A rollercoaster. We immediately decided it was awesome but that it had to stay at Grandma and Grandpa's. Right now he's a little unsure of it, he's more interested in walking up and down the track or using it as a slide. I say give it a little time, by spring we won't be able to keep him off the thing!

Christmas morning was about us and our family. Kris and I woke up before Alex did, something I am sure will  change over the years on Christmas morning. We got his breakfast ready and took it upstairs so we could have "breakfast in bed." He of course had no idea what day it was, he's 20 months old but he sure was excited about his pancakes. We had a wonderful time. Alex loved everything and was super excited about his kitchen, and all his new cars.

We went to Target before Christmas and Alex almost swiped a $2 plastic dinosaur that we ended up buying to save face. This just might be his favorite toy out of everything he got for Christmas, go figure!

Christmas Day, we spent with Kris's Mom. We had a nice quiet dinner and gift exchange. Alex got even more toys, a Harley Davidson tricycle which he's not quite big enough for but will grow into and a Discovery Tent and Tunnel. He loves the tent, treats as his own little fort and seems to really enjoy crawling through the tube. I like this toy because it collapses and can be easily stored away. It was Christmas day though that Alex reached his limit and threw what just might be his biggest fit yet. I think 3 straight days of lots of family and excitement had caught up to him. He was completely inconsolable. But after a nap, some lunch and a little distraction, he calmed down and played with his toys.

After a week break and a great one on one time with my little man, we had our 4th Christmas. My aunt and uncle were in from Indiana and even more toys were added to the collection. Alex now has almost a full collection of Animal Talkers to go along with his zoo. He loves all of them, he lines them up and then he sends them down the slide on his zoo. He will sit and play with this thing for hours.Thank you everyone!

We had a wonderful holiday season. It was a great way to wrap up 2012. Can't wait to see what 2013 has in store for the S clan.

Monday, January 07, 2013

The New Year : 5QF

I'm late in getting this post out seeing how Five Question Friday should probably be answered on a Friday, however better late than never right?

So here you go, five more random questions (from My Little Life) that may or may not interest you :)

1. Have you set any goals/resolutions for 2013?

I set goals every year with full intention of accomplishing them, this year feels different, no really it does.

I am not going to focus on losing weight, while it would be absolutely wonderful to be a size or two smaller but I feel that there are other ways to fulfill the traditional "get healthy" resolutions.

1. I am going to get my anxiety under control. I have an appointment next week to talk with my doctor. My anxiety may be the cause of the headaches and possibly even my "smurf" hands.
2. I am going to live outside of my shell. I will overcome my shyness and not be so reclusive.
3. I am going to love me, all of me. The extra 15lbs that my body now houses since my pregnancy as well as the 2 additional cup sizes now residing under my shirt.
4. Of course, I am going to be a better "mama" to my son. And the best way to do that is for me to "get healthy" with all of the above.

2. Have you made any travel/vacation plans for 2013?
We will go on our annual Myrtle Beach trip with my family in June. I love that Alex has that to look forward to year after year just as I did growing up.

Kris and I talked about going on a trip, somewhat of the honeymoon we never really got to have. We have been many places, Texas, Chicago, Indianapolis, but when we go to these places we always stay with friends. So we were going to go somewhere, just us. BUT when we sat down to work it all out we diverted our "vacation" money elsewhere. With the talk of #2 looming around we have decided to take the money and put it towards a down payment on a bigger home. We outgrew ours before Alex was even born.

3. What room is never cleaned in your house?

Um, let me rephrase the question, what room is ever clean in your house? As a good friend recently told me when I was convince I had become a hoarder when attempting to organize my home, I have a (almost) 2 year old. Organizing and cleaning isn't even worth the try.

4. What food must be in your house at all times?
This one is a little tricky. Alex, as what I assume most toddlers do, constantly changing month to month, week to week what his favorite "knacks" are. Currently, we must keep cheez-its and clementine oranges in our house. Last month is was apples and cheerios.

For me, raw veggies. I love to snack on them.

My husband, well as long as it's not good for you, he'll probably eat it.

5. Are you a hugger or more of a hands off person?

The answer to this depends on the company. There are just some people I do not feel comfortable hugging.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Not My Place

It's unlikely that I will finish this post without tears in my eyes, in fact just thinking about writing this post makes me weepy. For the holidays this year, I took basically from Christmas to New Year's off from work. I looked forward to this all year long. But before I get into it, there is a little tiny bit of back story that might make this make a little more sense.

I am a full time working mom. I leave the house every morning before 7 am and drop Alex off at the sitter's house and don't pick him up until close to 6 every evening. that's 11 hours a day I am away from my son. When the weekend's come around, Alex's time seems to go to his grandparents who want to spend time with him, understandable because he's awesome. But the version of my son that I typically get differs from the real version that others get to see.

Every day, when I pick Alex up, I hear about how wonderful he is. How well he eats, plays, takes his naps. He's loving with hugs and the little head tilt he gives that he thinks is a kiss. He is happy. This is what the sitter tells me, this is what my mom tells me, this is the exact same thing all the other grandparents tell me too. But here is the problem, I don't know that Alex. My Alex, is cranky, fussy, unhappy and to be honest, a little bit of a jerk sometimes. Initially, I just told myself everyone was lying to me. This made me (not really) feel a little better. But that only lasts so long. I have hard time with my version because it usually results in screaming and crying on my end as well. But THAT is a whole other post coming soon.

So back to my Holiday Staycation. My time off was a little bit of an eye opener. A heartbreaking one. Of course Daddy was around for some of it, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day which was wonderful. But it was the time in between Christmas and New Years that were the best. I had 3 days with Alex one on one. We ate breakfast together in the mornings, played in his kitchen and with his zoo. We snuggled in the ugly recliner and watched Finding Nemo, 3 times. He ate great lunches and took naps without any fights. We read books, and worked on some sight words which he is amazing at by the way. I learned that when he's not fussy and crying, that he has quite the vocabulary and he tries really hard to communicate with us outside of grunts and finger pointing. He hugged me, kissed me, held my hand. Finally, I got to see the Alex everybody is always telling me about. This, this was my baby boy.

I want to go back to those 3 days and just keep replaying them, they were that wonderful. I've always wanted to stay at home with him but also wanted to work but unfortunately, I don't have the option. But what I know now is that work is not my place. I am not supposed to be here. I am supposed to be home, with him. I feel like I am missing out on who he is becoming, before I know it he's going to be in pre-school, then school, then college and so on and so on and I will have spent it all at this desk staring at an inbox waiting for work to come in.

I feel like someone else is raising my child. <insert red puffy face of tears here>

As I sit here at my desk, back in the office after 10 days off, staring at the photo of my family that hangs out by my monitor my only thought is. I. do not. belong. here. This is not my place. It used to be, back before Alex but now somebody else is supposed to be sitting here staring at these emails. I am supposed to be at home with my son, asking him to show me in the book where the truck is. I am supposed to be patiently waiting as he makes me a sandwich in his kitchen and then tells me what sounds the elephant makes. That is my place. Not. Work.

But unfortunately I can't be there. We are not in a financial place for that to even be a possibility. Something I am not handling well. I will continue to come to work everyday and will continue to cry on my daily commute because somebody else is raising my child. Somebody else gets to soak up his carefree happy personality all day leaving me with the tired worn out one who cries and screams and doesn't cooperate, not even for a cookie. I will continue to miss out on his life, while he misses out on the real mommy he has. You see, as much as I get the worn out cranky fussy inconsolable version of him, he gets the same version of me after a 2 hour commute and 8 hours at a desk.

And now I revert back to 13 year old me and say - No Fair!-

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I'm the crazy Smurf

Ok so lately there have been some things, some medical mysteries going on that have yet to be solved. Several years ago, my hands (my fingers, my knuckles, my palms) would turn this funky shade of blue. Then, magically, when I became pregnant the blue went away. Honestly, it's been so long since it happened I had forgotten about it. But then, on Thanksgiving Day, sitting at the dining table I looked down and bam, blue hands. Aw crap! So when I got back into the swing of life after the long holiday weekend I called the doctor's office and made an appointment. For some reason, my hands randomly turn blue, I of course want to know why. Why?
Reynaud's comes up a lot in discussion. But it's been ruled out, quite a bit. The part that throws the doctor off is that the only symptom is the blue. They are not numb, they don't tingle, they're not cold, my nails themselves don't change, they just turn blue. There isn't a pattern to it, at least not one that I can come up with. I try to take notes about what is going on when it happens, where I'm at, what's around me, what I ate, even what I'm wearing. At one point, I thought it was just the dye from my jeans rubbing off but it happens when I'm wearing sweatpants or leggings so that ruled out the dye theory. So, after a trip to the doctor, a series of blood tests, and a short wait for the results. . . . it turns out. . . . I. Am. Normal. Seriously?

And completely unrelated symptoms led to and MRI of the brain. Which I have to say is something I never want to go through again, I wouldn't say I am claustrophobic but I might be a little borderline. So all that happened because I've had a headache for about a year. It varies in strength, but it's constant and sometimes it's annoyingly affected by light and sounds. In addition the the throbbing temples I have trouble concentrating sometimes and have had some memory issues. I can't seem to always remember things that have just been said to me, I can't remember directions to places I've been to dozens of times so the map app on my phone has been working overtime (and not always sending me to the right places), and the most annoying thing is struggling to remember names of people until they've already walked away. These are all things that started about 6 months ago and have progressively become a little more noticeable. And then there is the patience issue, or the lack thereof. Alex is 20 months old, he throws fits like a 20 month old should. I though, cannot seem to handle them. I end up handing it all over to my husband and then shutting myself in the bedroom and crying it, having my own fit if you will. Then to fuel it a little more, I start beating myself up over being a bad mom because I can't handle the ugly stuff that is part of being a parent. The piercing headaches could be a part of it, when Alex gets loud it feels like either a spike is going through my brain or my brain itself is exploding. Point is, I don't like what I feel like and want to get back to me. To being myself, to being a wife to my husband and a mother to my son.

So I went for the MRI, and guess what? Normal. Again I say, seriously?I feel a little disappointed. Don't get me wrong here, I wasn't hoping that I had a tumor on my brain. I'm grateful that nothing was found, no tumor or what have you, but at the same time had they found something a little explanation would be given. At 29, memory loss, constant headaches, trouble concentrating and my inability to keep my cool are not things that should be happening to me.

But until we can figure out what is going on with me, I am just a crazy mama who happens to be turning into a smurf. Cute, huh?
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